THE English have a thing about being “the best in the world”, the first in the world, the biggest, the brightest. Of course they are not the only ones.

They do often claim that Westminster is “The Mother of Parliaments”. You can debate that if you want to. In that parliament the “Chancellor of the Exchequer” turns up once a year with some “hokus-pokus” and a crystal ball. He does a stand-up routine, fantasying about times, a few years from the day, of his “show”. He tries to convince people that what he suggests should be given credibility. You will notice the sleight of hand, in that his Budget does not really have to balance, unlike our Scottish Budget, for he can borrow as much as he likes, after all he’s the magic man, and Andrew Bailey plays a wonderful Debbie McGee.

In 1284 they did the first Budget. Back in the day they used a chequered cloth to do the counting, hence the name. In that first Budget they realised that the English king, Edward I, Longshanks, Hammer of the Scots, spent more money than he had income. So they decided to tax people, not that they were the first to do that.

There was a Budget on Wednesday, and it would have done some of the greatest comedians proud, if only they could have delivered such a hilarious show, Live at the Apollo, is an English television show, on that he would have gone down a storm. They would have been rolling in the isles.

READ MORE: The Budget: Here's what the UK is controversially funding in Scotland

For the pandemic lock down and “cash-give-a-way”, has made not one jot of difference to the economy, Brexit has done nothing to dent the plucky Old English Bull Dog, wagging tail, like a conductor at the Last Night of the Proms. In fact, we are in the sunny climes of a period when spending on so many wonderful projects can go a head. There are some beauties to undermine Holyrood, but not the same cash as would have been forthcoming from the European Union.

Hey it is OK, everyone can feel fine and dandy. Remember you Scots, that this will level up the Union you could never do this alone! What would you Scottish people know about a Central Bank? It’s called the Bank of England you know! I never heard of Patterson, who was that? For it had been predicted that we would be borrowing so much more money then we have to and, even though, the current United Kingdom debt exceeds two trillion pounds the Chancellor, part time billionaire, and aspiring film star, (surely that is true), said that borrowing is under control. However, just to make sure that all is “morally correct”, those who are unemployed will be a lot worse off tomorrow than they are today. After all there are plenty of jobs going, the country needs truck drivers, and there is a dearth of night club bouncers. So get on your bike and find some work! Stop sponging of the state, “you don’t see us billionaires sitting with a cup on the street corners trying to make a pound or two”.

So he flashed his smile to the cameras and “commended this statement to the house” and the Tories cheered, and the Prime Minister shouted “here here”, and in a couple of days all that hot air will have floated up The Elizabeth Tower, past the bell Big Ben, and out through the restored clock face, which is, surely, the best known clock in the world, and away up the sewage-filled river Thames and away into the sea to be forever forgotten.

PS You Scots just remember we English are giving you a whole heap more than we gave you before, so just see you be grateful and you stay in the Union, do you hear?

The last bit was from the front page of this week’s Beano, where Dennis the Menace becomes Chancellor and the Bash Street Kids move into 10 Downing Street.

Cher Bonfis
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