DEAR Angry,

I write to you from my humble abode of the Underworld. As Ruler of Hell, I like to keep myself abreast of the political scene – as 99 per cent of its players eventually end up down here with me. While checking in on one of my personal favourites, Robert Mugabe, I was tickled to discover his recent appointment as a Goodwill Ambassador by the World Health Organisation. Needless to say, it’s great to see such out-and-out villainy finally getting the respect it deserves. Obviously, I’m no fan of the term “Goodwill”, but anything that helps to showcase this merciless human being is a winner in my Satanic playbook!

Now, given Mugabe’s promotion, and the fact that Tony Blair was once Middle East Peace Envoy, I thought I’d get in touch with the UN about giving yours truly a spot on their team. Last week, I pitched them “Beelzebub — Ethics Emissary”. It’s got a great ring to it, right? However, they simply ignored me – Satan was snubbed! I honestly can’t explain how the political elite could disregard someone like me given their current line-up. In fact, it’s beginning to make me wonder why so many evil people are getting ahead in the world while I’m overlooked.

Back in the good old days, the White House was a home away from Hades for me, but recently it’s been filled with outspokenly Christian Presidents. Even more perplexing, these leader’s deeds are becoming ever more immoral – and yet God’s getting all the credit! What’s going on, beret boy? Got any advice for Old Scratch?

The Devil

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I HAVE sympathy for you. First of all, you need to come to terms with the fact that society’s sinners no longer worship the image of Satan; they now worship legislators, authoritarians and warmongers. Even more unfortunate, these revered oppressors don’t even like you. They like your bitter rival, God. Indeed, the traditional Christian fear of the devil seems particularly ironic when such despicable figures as Tony Blair and Robert Mugabe identify as god-fearers. Evidently, you’re no longer the #1 threat to peace and love on Earth – or anything close to it.

Most of the high-level scumbags on this planet have sworn their allegiance to Christ. You’re now just a comic-book villain. A mid-level boss in a video game. In this modern age, mere mortals can out-evil even the most sinister ethereal beings. All they need is money, power and a ridiculous sense of self-importance. Basically, Satan, you’ve been usurped by a greater force of malevolence: politicians.

Thanks to fake news, it’s now perfectly possible for office-bearers to act like the Devil whilst being reported on as God. It must no doubt be greatly upsetting for you, the forthright Prince of Darkness, to see acts of wrongdoing distorted in this fashion. Unquestionably, you have always been upfront about your depravity; flaunting your horns, forked-tongue and pointy tail. Politicians, on the other hand, have committed the real sin of pretending that their actions are in some way benevolent. Someone like yourself would take personal responsibility for their villainy, cackling madly and pointing at your criminal exploit with joy — owning your wickedness. Conversely, a politician could cause a whole multitude of poverty, destruction and death while claiming it was someone else’s doing or, worse yet, credit a holy book for their actions.

Frankly, it seems very much like Christian fundamentalists or Islamic extremists will destroy mankind far sooner than theistic Satanists or wandering agnostics. For as long as religious terrorism continues; you are sadly out of work, Satan. Promoting promiscuous sex pales in comparison to your opposite number upstairs advocating global warfare in His name.

When God is telling US presidents to kill innocent civilians with drone bombs, it makes the mischievous Beelzebub seem somewhat cuddly by comparison – and ultimately redundant. I mean, what reason would there be to fear demonic possession when the much more terrifying threat of becoming a Trump supporter or a Daily Mail reader exists?

Ideally, we would live in a world where humans didn’t listen to supposedly supernatural voices in their head, but if we must suffer with such madness, I’d advise that we listen to your voice. After all, the Devil would most likely just encourage us to listen to rock ‘n’ roll and smoke weed. This is more or less daily life for Scottish teenagers anyway, and certainly far less dangerous than the advice God is handing out to world leaders and armed fanatics. Perhaps the World Health Organisation should get in touch with you? You could become their Ambassador for Peaceful Pleasure Seeking; a healthy reminder that amid all the charity work there is still time for sex, heavy drinking and Motörhead. A necessary evil, if you will.