THIS is going to be one of those weeks when those of us of a republican persuasion would be as well crawling deep under our Sex Pistols-themed duvets and searching Netflix or Amazon Prime for episodes of old dystopian sci-fi shows in which the land is taken over by hordes of undead zombies intoning "Isn't she maarvellous!" and "Gawd bless'er!" before they leap on unwary human survivors and consume their faces.

Otherwise, there's not going to be much on the telly this week, except mandatory jubilee jollity and industrial levels of nauseating royalist sycophancy as the media searches for some angle that will allow it to squeeze a mention of the jubilee into absolutely everything.

So, this week, we can look forward to an episode of Embarrassing Bodies in which Daphne from Scunthorpe tells us how proud she is that the patch of psoriasis on her upper thigh looks just like one of Her Majesty's corgis.

In Scotland, the British media's search for some jubilee-related stories reaches truly spectacular levels of desperation, given the widespread lack of interest ­– if not outright hostility – that this country expresses towards the monarchy.

You can see this for yourself on Nextdoor's official jubilee online guide to enforced British nationalist jollity, which has an interactive map allowing you to find the jubilee street party nearest to you.

On this map, Scotland appears like a field guide to the snakes of Ireland. There are hundreds of events listed in every region of England, but as soon as you get to Scotland, there is but a tiny handful of events listed, many of which are like the Jubilee party listed for Parkhead in Glasgow, which describes itself as a “Feck the Queen party”, or the “Sharpen your guillotine” event listed for the city’s West End. A good proportion of the few events this week in Scotland are in a similar decidedly non-gawdbless'er vein.

The official jubilee website primly notes that there are fewer neighbourhood street parties in Scotland than in England and tells that this is because there are different laws in Scotland about closing off public streets. Aye, right, uh-huh. Not even Nicholas Witchell is going to swallow that one.

STV was so desperate to make out that Scotland is celebrating the Jubilee, that on its Facebook page, it posted a photo of a street party in Exmouth, claiming it to be in Scotland. The page has been removed but the photo still appears on an article on the channel's website headlined: "How is Scotland celebrating the Queen's Platinum Jubilee?"

The piece is sub-headed "Official events and street parties are taking place across Scotland to mark 70 years of the Queen". Underneath the photo, in much smaller lettering, we are told that "Street parties are being planned in cities, towns and villages across the UK to celebrate the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee".

The truth is that the dominant reaction to the jubilee in Scotland is a profound lack of interest mixed with an extreme irritation at the way in which the jubilee pudding is being rammed down our throats.

For all that the British media tries to tell us that the royal family unifies and unites the whole of the UK, in Scotland, our lived experience tells us otherwise.

A large part of the widespread antipathy towards the monarchy in Scotland, as in Northern Ireland, derives from the fact that the monarchy has always been a symbol weaponised by bitter sectarianism ­– which is a feature of British nationalism in Scotland and Ireland. The royal family have never condemned this and have never made any public statements to disassociate themselves from the ugly and hate-filled parades which scar our streets every summer.

In more recent years, this British nationalist hate-fest has expanded its roll call of demons to include supporters of Scottish independence alongside its traditional victims, Scots of Irish Catholic heritage.

So spare us the cant about the Queen uniting the nation. You can't unite any nation when you are a symbol and figurehead of its division and you have been content to be its figurehead for 70 years.

This piece is an extract from today’s REAL Scottish Politics newsletter, which is emailed out at 7pm every weekday with a round-up of the day's top stories and exclusive analysis from the Wee Ginger Dug.

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