ON Sunday Night, ITV devoted two hours of prime time to what it called The Queen's Platinum Jubilee Celebration, a sycophantic grovelathon which mostly consisted of horses parading about pointlessly and crapping in public while some lackeys cleaned up their mess for them, which may have been a metaphor for the royal family.

The show was billed as being based on the Queen's personal interests, apparently she likes horses, more horses, and not much else, which may explain why she looks so miserable all the time.

Assuming that the institution of the monarchy survives, a similar Jubilee performance for King Charles will probably involve a parade of mistresses while valets and massed ranks of flunkeys squeeze out toothpaste onto the king's royal toothbrush, all set against a backdrop of pastiche Georgian architecture and angry letters in spidery handwriting to government ministers.

READ MORE: Fewer than half of Scots support keeping monarchy

Given the almost complete lack of interest in the event on Twitter, a medium whose prime function is to give a platform to people in order to express their outrage and to tell you how wrong you are, it seems that the Scottish public is getting in some early practice for ignoring the barrage of monarchist sycophancy which is set to assail our senses in the month ahead. It will be an orgy of forelock tugging, cap doffing and a tyranny of obligatory Great British "fun".

If nothing else, you can view the media obsession with the Platinum Jubilee as a dress rehearsal for your escape plan from the media when Liz does finally shuffle off this mortal coil.

Basically, your choices will be either to endure a wall to wall 24 hour nauseating sycophancy which will make the TV and press coverage of Prince Philip's demise seem like a brief footnote on page 32 of the parish newsletter, ensure that you have at least two months' worth of TV box sets and movies ready to stream, or you can flee to some remote corner of a distant desert, hundreds of miles from the nearest mobile phone or WiFi signal, where you can develop a class-A drugs habit.

Outside of nationalist communities in Northern Ireland, Scotland is easily the least monarchist part of the UK. An opinion poll for the Sunday Times published over the weekend found that just 45% of the Scottish population want to keep the monarchy, compared to almost 60% across the UK as a whole. 

This certainly chimes with my personal experience, I don't know anyone who has expressed the slightest interest in the much-hyped Platinum Jubilee, just as no one in my wider family or circle of friends and acquaintances wasted any time on the non-stop TV coverage of Prince Philip after he died, except to complain about just how much of it there was.

READ MORE: Alan Titchmarsh compares the Queen to Nelson Mandela on ITV Platinum Jubilee programme

In Scotland there is a profound lack of interest in the Windsors, despite the best efforts of the BBC to pretend that the entire UK is united in excitement every time some overprivileged aristocrat deigns to wave at the peasants from a passing Rolls Royce. There's an app you can install on your mobile phone which lets you know where the nearest jubilee street party is to you.

Last time I checked, purely for the purposes of research, but still feeling the ghost of my Irish republican grandfather gazing disapprovingly over my shoulder, the closest one to anywhere in Scotland was in Carlisle.

Far from uniting the UK as the BBC, the Conservatives, and assorted royalist suck-ups keep telling us they do these royal occasions merely illustrate just how far apart we have already drifted. In fact the obligatory Windsor-fest is counterproductive, serving to alienate an already alienated Scottish public even further. This royal Jubilee will be the last that Scotland has to endure.