Here's the latest entry in the diary of Rupert St John-Fontaine, adviser at the Department of Social Affairs....

MONDAY

I’VE been invited to a meeting of the Scottish Greens "thinking pod" which takes place at 11.47pm precisely at an almost-ancient, 19th century standing stone near Fintry in the Campsie Hills.

“Why so late,” I ask Hamish Waltzer, the party’s community engagement officer. “Doesn’t it get a bit cold up there in January? Will there be a tent?” Hamish, an affable but somewhat intense chap, seems surprised by my enquiry. “We’ve been holding meetings like this for years,” he says. “Each month we choose a location that’s close to nature and taps into the lay-lines that carry the ancient spirit of Caledonia.

“We build a large camp-fire and then Saffron, our spiritual liaison priestess, leads us in a dance that was inspired by the ancient Celtic fertility berserkers when they were asking the Gods to bless them with children. In the summer months we like to do it naked, but seeing as it’s the winter we just ask that everyone wears face-paint. The dance is great for creating body heat and it gets everyone in the mood for thinking.

“It’s an honour for an outsider like you to be invited. We thought you might be interested in some of our ideas for a sustainable, back-to-basics Scotland.”

TUESDAY

I MAKE my way up to Fintry. They’ve chosen the time of 11.47pm because, according to the Scottish Greens chief astrological liaison officer, that’s when the planetary alignment is at its most potent and thus conducive to creative thinking. It’s something to do with Aquarius. “Why is it always Aquarius,” I ask myself.

Soon, I find the location which is near a layby on the old Crow Road. The place is lit by a cordon of burning pillars and we soon get down to the dancing which is a sort of freelance effort like when you’re drunk at a wedding and think you’re Mick Jagger. Rather alarmingly, some of the attendees have chosen to strip off – despite the plunging temperatures – while others are sporting antlers. The unmistakeable musk of cannabis is thick in the air. I think, despite my natural reserve, I could grow to like the way the Scottish Greens conduct their business.

Hamish then addresses the gathering and introduces me. He says they were rather taken with my performance last November when I was caught ingesting those herbal cigarettes with the Peruvian climate change protesters at COP26. That was when I won praise for highlighting the plight of indigenous and artisan tobacco workers on the Machu Picchu.

“The Scottish Greens,” says Hamish, “are considering lifting the ban on smoking in public places and want to reduce taxes on tobacco in an independent Scotland. We’ve commissioned an independent report into the health benefits of smoking tobacco if it’s grown from sustainable plant varieties and treated with a remarkable resin that reduces the risk of disease or anything unpleasant. The preliminary results are potentially game-changing.

“Scotland could lead the world in this and it would lead to a cottage industry in lots of poor neighbourhoods creating thousands of jobs as whole families could turn their homes into micro-tobacco factories.

“We’d love you to use your new contacts with the indigenous Peruvian tobacco sector to ask for their assistance. Also, everyone knows you’ve become Nicola’s favourite adviser; so maybe you could take our ideas directly to her. Patrick and Lorna think it’s a great idea too but it currently lies outside their ministerial remits. What do you think?”

WEDNESDAY

MUCH as though I’m charmed by the idea of a healthy, organic and sustainable tobacco industry re-invigorating the economy of working-class communities I can’t see it being made to fly. I discuss the idea over coffee the next day at Bobobalde’s, the new Guinean deli on Leith Walk, with Lucinda, my contact at NHS Scotland.

She too is captivated by the idea but feels that while a respiratory disease like Covid continues to stalk the country the media might not appreciate the nuances of the project. She advises that I write up a report but file it under “Requiring Further Detail” and thus kick it down the road a bit.

THURSDAY

WE have a problem. The Scottish Sun have received leaked pictures and documents of Tuesday’s meeting in the hills. They show several of the naked dancers. They’ve also got leaked details of the Greens sustainable tobacco proposal. The heading on the front page splash is: “SMOKE AND SINNERS! Outrage at Greens naked orgy amidst legal drug claims”. In a panic I inspect the 10 pictures they’ve splashed across three inside spreads. You can just about make me out in the background (fully clothed, I might add) but I don’t think I’m very recognisable.

FRIDAY

I GET a call from Nicola at 6.05am. “I think we need to talk, Rupert.”