THE name “Boris Burrow” was quickly given to Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s surreal plan for a tunnel costing billions of pounds to link Northern Ireland and Scotland.
Inspired by one of his own Tories’ response to Boris’s plan – Simon Hoare MP said trains would be pulled by an “inexhaustible herd of unicorns overseen by stern, officious dodos” and inspected by Puff the Magic Dragon – the Jouker suggests that the Burrow could be the start of a new nomenclature aimed at making the Tories look fluffy and dead keen on promoting the Union. What do you mean, we all know that anyway?
All they have to do is tweak a few existing names or invent new ones and hey presto there’s Tories everywhere.
Glasgow’s most salubrious suburb would be called Goven, while Murdofraserburgh must be a possibility. John o’ Groats was named after a Dutchman, so surely it must be renamed Jack o’ Groats, because as we all know, Alister Jack has plenty groats in his wallet.
Culture Secretary Oliver Dowden must lend his moniker to that fine Fife town Dowdenbeath. Does Welsh Secretary Simon Hart know he has a Hill named after him on the route of the M8?
The UK Foreign Secretary’s name could be given to a gorgeous enclave in Glasgow, and Raabroyston does have a certain ring to it. Lord Chancellor Robert Buckland could give himself a new nickname - Buckie. Those monks at the abbey who make the tipple might object, however. Perhaps a Buckie and some other sweet drink could be combined to make a Hancocktail – dull and fizzless, the sommeliers would describe it.
You can expect a whole slew of Tory names on any infrastructure project being foisted upon us – Sunak City and Shapps Sewerage, for instance. The former is already collapsing due to his next door neighbour’s Brexit, while Shapps is never slow when it comes to spreading shit.
Scottish Tories would love to be important enough to have anything named after them, so that will probably never happen. Miles Briggs could take holy orders and end up as Bishop Briggs, while assistant referee Dougie “two jobs” Ross will have a new time machine named after him – the Ross Refolver (sic) that allows you to be in only one place at a time.
There is, of course, a Cabinet secretary who has already given her name to a very handy medical device. Sufferers of a hernia are surely only too willing to acknowledge that marvel of science which brings them comfort in a delicate situation, and thus heap praise on Trade Secretary and Women’s Minister Liz Truss. She did invent them, didn’t she?
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