AS if Brexit hasn’t already caused enough problems, it now looks set to ruin Christmas. Ho ho ho.
Jeremy Corbyn secured his place on Nicola Sturgeon’s X-mas list yesterday after indicating his support for a December snap election entirely related to Westminster’s failure to find a solution to a crisis which has now been going on for more than two years.
Does that mean all your Christmases have come at once? Either way, it does mean General Election festivities look likely to come early.
So how to prepare for campaigning and voting in Scotland, in December?
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While these votes are normally warmer weather affairs, this one will be co-co-cold, so you’ll need to wrap up and prepare for the worst – think dark, miserable and inhospitable, just like the UK will be in a No-Deal scenario.
December 12 is the likely date for the poll, so at least that advent period will be short, but a look back at last year shows this date brought blizzards to the UK in 2018, with heavy snow gathering on higher ground.
Like in Scotland. Especially the north of Scotland.
If it happens again, you could be ding-dong-merrily-on-sliding to the polling station, so get the grit bin filled and your best boots on. Or, if you’re an activist, simply use your campaign clipboard as a makeshift sledge and skite in style.
Of course, a campaign is only as chic as you make it and political parties are all ready with potential gift ideas for the modern voter. The SNP’s online shop is selling a padded jacket (black and yellow, naturally) and a zip-up fleece in stylish grey. Toasty.
The Scottish Greens haven’t listed coats or hats, but they’ve scores of jumpers and sweatshirts (100% organic cotton) and would no doubt approve of you layering them up against the cauld as you canvas close-to-close or man that street stall in the sleet.
You’ll probably also need sustenance on the campaign trail. Thankfully Scottish Labour is offering a bamboo travel cup for all those takeaway coffees, while LibDems will enjoy a warming mug of Ovaltine from a receptacle bearing the faces of the party’s Scots MPs to keep their campaigning on track – though no Alistair Carmichael version could be found.
And, coming in from the dark, taking off your wellies and cooring up, what nicer way to relax and wait for the results than by curling up on the couch with your own Margaret Thatcher cushion from the official Conservatives merchandise?
It’s the kind of thing you might give someone as a Secret Santa gift, but only if you were really guaranteed they’d never find out.
It’s been a long, long, long, long year in politics, what with court cases, leadership races, endless rounds of negotiation and controversial prorogations. Maybe this is the best way to round off a terrific twelve months.
Maybe it’s not a nightmare before Christmas. Maybe we’ll all be wearing party hats and pulling crackers at the polling stations and singing good cheer as we mark our crosses.
But there are huge issues at stake and it is to be hoped that the practical problems of a winter election, especially in remote and rural areas, do not deter voters from turning out in huge numbers.
All the Jouker wants for Christmas is an end to Westminster humbug.
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