I DON’T know about you, but I woke up this morning with one pressing question on my mind – how will the freshly signed Australian trade deal affect the export of sheep intestines?

Thankfully I must ponder no longer, as Boris Johnson is talking tripe at this week’s PMQs. Literally.

But first we must endure the Groundhog Day of Keir Starmer asking questions about Covid, border closures and traffic light systems, an interminable performance that is only bearable if you follow along with a bingo card bearing such classics as “Captain Hindsight”, “flip-flop”, “fastest rollout anywhere in the world”, “vaccinating/vacillating”, “European Medicines Agency” and “over-promising, under-delivering”.

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Even with a pre-prepared script, these days Johnson cannot be relied upon to form the correct words, as evidenced by his shambolic briefing on Monday – in which he perhaps tellingly referred to “the company” rather than “the country” – and his botching of a one-line tribute to Jo Cox by stating that her death was five days ago as opposed to five years.

Ian Blackford risks the wrath of the Speaker by prefacing his question with condemnation (of BBC journalist Nick Watt being chased through the streets), comedy (hoping Scotland isn’t “dragged out of the Euros against our wishes”) and controversy (very optimistically suggesting the PM might wish to clarify whether he did indeed call Matt Hancock useless in WhatsApp messages).

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Then, at last, he gets to his question. He doesn’t want the usual waffle (ha – good luck with that) in response to his question about Scottish farmers and crofters being thrown under the Brexit bus. They deserve honest answers, he says, but regular PMQs watchers will know exactly what kind of dishonest waffle is coming up … why is Ian Blackford running down Scottish agriculture?! Our farmers could take advantage of this great deal by “turbo-charging” their exports, if only the SNP’s Westminster leader would give them a bit of encouragement.

Blackford dismisses this “tripe” and suggests the Prime Minister lacks the guts to put the deal to a vote, which is the verbal equivalent of taking a tennis racquet and lobbing a ball of offal across the chamber.

Johnson smashes back: “I can tell him that when it comes to exporting the intestines of sheep, which I know is a valuable part of Scottish tradition, even that is now being opened up around the world thanks to the deals this country is doing.”

Just for good measure, he adds that Blackford is out of his mind. If that’s what he says to his face, I wonder what he says via WhatsApp.

READ MORE: PMQs: Boris Johnson refuses to discuss Dominic Cummings WhatsApp allegations

Labour’s Helen Hayes is among those to highlight the scandal of more than 200 high-rise blocks in England still having Grenfell-style cladding, four years on from the deadly fire. Johnson’s ludicrous response is that his government is on the case but “It is simply not the case that all the high-rise buildings in this country are unsafe, and it’s very important that Members of Parliament should stress that.” I’m not sure how much more clearly they can stress that, or what comfort Johnson’s generic statement about fire safety risks will be to those in London whose homes went on fire last month.

It’s a big day for Kenny MacAskill, who is asking his PMQ as an Alba Party MP. It’s about the role of the Lord Advocate – a key topic of discussion during the Holyrood inquiry into the handling of harassment complaints – but Johnson uses his answer to get in a sly wee dig. “First of all I congratulate the honourable gentleman on the outstanding success of his party in the recent elections…” he says, perhaps expecting some chuckles from his backbenchers. However, the English MPs clearly take so little interest in Scottish affairs that they don’t get the joke. A slightly awkward moment for the PM but a mortifying one for MacAskill.