MONDAY
SIR Tom Hunter has dropped in for his weekly chat with the First Minister. He pops his head in to see me too. He’s a decent soul, Sir Tom and the FM charitably lets him think he’s her silent partner in government. He tells me he wants to establish a leadership centre on Mars “if I can get Jeff and Sir Richard to help me out with a wee rocket”.
He wants to offer global leaders the chance to be trained in the Hunter Foundation blueprint for green success. “Perhaps even God, who lives in the vicinity, could pop in for a chat too without compromising his legendary invisibility,” he suggests.
“It will be good to exchange ideas with the creator of humankind in a way that will be mutually beneficial to us both. Maybe I could get Pope Francis to sort it out while he’s here for the COP26.”
I tell him the Pope has pulled out and suggest Jim Wallace, the Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland. “I think they talk to God too,” I tell him, “but without the candles and incense.”
TUESDAY
RODERICK Dhu, my keen-as-mustard colleague at the department of finance, solicits my view on what he considers to be a jolly good idea. “Why don’t we ask all local authorities to consider renting out their municipal buildings for the COP26,” he asks.
“Some people have been charging more than £100k for use of their homes. If Glasgow, North and South Lanarkshire, the Dunbartonshires and the Ayrshires all got their acts together they could rake in millions and ease pressure on their services.”
I gently remind him that politicians are not in the business of landlordism, except when they are renting out their second homes in the Highlands on the never-never.
WEDNESDAY
LORNA Slater, co-convenor of the Scottish Greens, is upset that no-one in Scotland seems to know who she is. She pops into my office and pours out her heart. She weeps as she tells me of spending an entire afternoon at Princes Square in Glasgow without anyone stopping to ask for a selfie.
I propose that we set up a sustainability village on George Square for the entirety of the COP26 with hundreds of bivouacs. Each night Lorna could become the forest queen welcoming her sprites to the festivities while dressed as Kukunochi, the ancient Japanese tree spirit. And then they could dance until dawn in a massive torchlit ceilidh.
That would certainly get her talked about and she departs lighter of foot and joyous of heart. I fear for her; I really do.
THURSDAY
AS Special Adviser in the Department of Sustainability I’m now tasked with sorting through a pile of weird and wonderful demands and “riders” from the 25,000 delegates attending the COP26 from all over the world. Top of the pile is a long letter from Buckingham Palace. The Queen has opted to stay in Edinburgh for the COP26 and is seeking assurances that her entry through Glasgow is organised to her liking.
“Her Majesty requests that the many thousands of her Glaswegian subjects who will be expected to line the streets refrain from waving Union Jack flags as she doesn’t want this to be all about her. She asks that they simply bow their heads respectfully. Please provide a short list of designated stops where HM can carry out some meet-and-greets. Please also provide proof that those chosen to meet her have valid vaccine certificates.”
This is a nightmare. I now have to write to the Palace informing them that, as they rightly point out, this is not all about her Gracious Majesty; there will be no meet-and-greets and Glasgow’s streets will be devoid of people seeking to cheer her on her way. I also tell her that travelling along the M8 in her state horse-drawn carriage would not be a good look and that the Scottish people would wish her to spare the horses.
FRIDAY
WE have a problem: The Herald has got hold of a leaked memo from the government’s business advisory group suggesting ways of “exploiting” the goodwill of COP26 delegations.
“Scotland has many wild and beautiful pieces of real estate that are sitting about doing nothing. Let’s compile a fancy video displaying them all and telling some of the cash-rich dictator types that they might wish to invest in our hills and glens. This would be a good way of attracting investment in a sustainable way and show the world that Scotland, quite literally, is open for business after the Covid.
“We’ve secured the bespoke services of Senderos & Vega, the Zurich-based clearing bank to deal with the more edgy transactions. Thus, warlords still working within ‘a wider democratic framework’ don’t need to worry about identification.”
Why are you making commenting on The National only available to subscribers?
We know there are thousands of National readers who want to debate, argue and go back and forth in the comments section of our stories. We’ve got the most informed readers in Scotland, asking each other the big questions about the future of our country.
Unfortunately, though, these important debates are being spoiled by a vocal minority of trolls who aren’t really interested in the issues, try to derail the conversations, register under fake names, and post vile abuse.
So that’s why we’ve decided to make the ability to comment only available to our paying subscribers. That way, all the trolls who post abuse on our website will have to pay if they want to join the debate – and risk a permanent ban from the account that they subscribe with.
The conversation will go back to what it should be about – people who care passionately about the issues, but disagree constructively on what we should do about them. Let’s get that debate started!
Callum Baird, Editor of The National
Comments: Our rules
We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused.
Please report any comments that break our rules.
Read the rules here