THANK goodness for all those technology lessons the Prime Minister squeezed into his schedule when he was mayor of London. Now that the UK’s future depends on the successful introduction of a contact-tracing app, we are lucky indeed to have a highly trained computer whizz at the helm.

To think anyone questioned Boris Johnson’s motives for meeting up with glamorous businesswoman Jennifer Arcuri multiple times at her London flat – how foolish they must feel now! They’ll be glad to be wearing masks in public places, given how much egg is on their faces.

If only every politician had been so enthusiastic about expanding their skillset in advance of a crisis by visiting a glamorous friend. Questions must now be asked about why Matt Hancock wasn’t seeing a bombshell nurse for swabbing lessons, and Priti Patel wasn’t repeatedly hooking up with a pole-dancing primary school teacher for numeracy lessons.

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon might have picked up some hairdressing skills during lockdown – to the disbelief of her conspiracy-theorist opponents – but there’s nothing very glamorous about sitting in your house in an Adidas tracksuit trying not to stab yourself in the eye with a pair of scissors.

Anyone who thought “technology lessons” must be code for some kind of hanky-panky, and that the PM would soon be banged up for funnelling cash to his fancy woman, had their gas put on a peep yesterday. The Independent Office for Police Conduct (IOPC) has decided there are insufficient grounds for a criminal investigation into dealings between Johnson and Arcuri. No misconduct in public office to see here, it says.

However, Johnson opted to socially distance himself from his tech teacher some time ago, after people began to ask questions about her joining him on trade missions and her US-based firm receiving a six-figure grant from the Department of Culture, Media and Sport. She wasn’t very happy about being given the heave-ho by the man she called Alexander the Great, just because two consenting adults once met to discuss hard drives, software, zip drives and plug-ins.

Asked on Sky News if she had a message for her former pupil, she said: “I’m terribly heartbroken by the way that you have cast me aside, like I am some gremlin.” Certainly that’s how my second-year computing teacher responded when I spurned his subject in favour of Standard Grade home economics. He wouldn’t even accept my peace offering of half a dozen rock cakes.

However, some of Arcuri’s other comments raised eyebrows. “I’ve been nothing but loyal, faithful, supportive, and a true confidante of yours – I’ve kept your secrets and I’ve been your friend,” she said, with the steely, measured tone of someone who might just be willing, for the right price, to be disloyal, unfaithful and blab a load of secrets to a tabloid newspaper. “I don’t understand why you’ve blocked me and ignored me as if I was some fleeting one-night stand or some girl that you picked up at a bar, because I wasn’t, and you know that.”

READ MORE: Boris Johnson will not face criminal inquiry over Jennifer Arcuri relationship

On closer reading of yesterday’s statement from the IOPC, it seems the watchdog knows that, too. It was required to probe these goings-on because the role of Mayor of London includes heading up the Mayor’s Office for Policing and Crime, which is equivalent to being a police commissioner. Imagine having all those responsibilities and still finding time for extra-curricular computer club! Truly the Prime Minister is a dedicated multi-tasker setting an example to us all.

While the IOPC stated that there was “no evidence that Mr Johnson influenced the payment

of sponsorship monies or participation in trade missions”, and therefore no grounds to launch a criminal probe, it added: “Our review established there was a close association between Mr Johnson and Ms Arcuri and there may have been an intimate relationship.”

Rather significantly, it also found evidence that those making the decisions about trade mission composition and the handing out of public funds “thought that there was a close relationship between Mr Johnson and Ms Arcuri, and this influenced their decision-making.”

Hmm. Could it be – surely not? – that the cynics were right to suspect this relationship went beyond business, bandwidths and back-ends? That one way or another, cosying up to the Prime Minister proved a lucrative move for the self-described “ethical hacker”?

Perhaps the Greater London Authority will shed more light on the situation, now that it can

resume its own inquiry. This will address whether Johnson’s conduct breached its code of conduct, which mentions the importance of integrity, selflessness, openness and honesty. Ahem. Apparently the code did not require the mayor to declare the business interests of any gremlins with whom he enjoyed non-educational rendezvous.

So could the PM wriggle off the hook completely? Possibly. But don’t forget there’s a scorned woman at the centre of this, who still seems pretty furious. Just last week she tweeted: “I will speak up ... one day.”