"Water pouring in through ceilings and windows, mushrooms growing in the carpets and rats scurrying about the mouldy floors." This colourful description wasn’t a warning about the potentially apocalyptic scenes of post-Brexit Britain, but Jackson Carlaw raising the condition of some Scottish police stations at FMQs on Thursday.
He went on to ask the First Minister what word she would use to describe the sorry state of these buildings. If she had one in mind, she didn’t share it with the chamber.
Instead, she said that Jackson Carlaw had "something of a nerve to raise issues like this", adding "it was the Conservatives that reduced the resource budget of this government by £1.5 billion since 2010".
READ MORE: FMQs: Nicola Sturgeon fires back at Conservatives on policing
In response, Jackson Carlaw went on to speak about the "unpleasant, uncomfortable and unsanitary situations" in some Scottish police stations, which, incidentally, is also how Boris Johnson’s Tinder dates describe a night spent with him.
Given the roaring success of Boris Johnson’s "bung a bob for a Big Ben bong" crowdfunder it’s odd that Jackson Carlaw didn’t at any point suggest a similar initiative to improve Scottish police stations. Or maybe he could ask his UK Government pals to repay the £125m they owe Police Scotland.
READ MORE: Humza Yousaf: UK Government stole £125m from Police Scotland
Back and forth the two leaders went, batting arguments across the chamber like the dullest tennis match you’ve ever seen. It wasn’t so much Serena v Andy as estranged spouses battling it out over who gets custody of the cat.
Nicola Sturgeon said she would "take no lectures" from the Conservatives, just in case they’d forgotten. Jackson Carlaw managed to turn the issue at hand back round to that thing he just HATES to talk about (but seemingly can’t stop talking about) – indyref2.
He accused the Scottish Government of being "distracted and disengaged" on domestic issues because ministers are too busy planning how they are going to break up our precious union.
For the second time in the last three sessions, the monotonous hellscape that is FMQs was interrupted by protesters in the gallery. Two weeks ago, the shouts that forced Zen Ken Macintosh to temporarily halt proceedings were about climate change. This week, it was two lads hollering nonsense about the SNP supporting the IRA. Everybody has their hot-button issue, I suppose.
While I am in no way encouraging the disruptive rascals amongst us, I am not going to dissuade anybody who is minded to liven up the weekly snooze fest. It’s important that as many people tune into FMQs as possible and I’m not sure the dulcet tones of Alex Rowley are enough to boost the audience numbers.
READ MORE: Scottish Labour frontbencher backs indyref2 — if enough MSPs support it
We need to think outside the box. I’d suggest a public gallery cam. I can’t be the only one who would enjoy trying to guess in-advance which unassuming member of the public looks the most likely to cause trouble.
Failing that, party leaders need to come up with their own ideas on how better to hold our attention. My DMs are open.
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