It gives this column absolutely every joy and delight to wallow in the Conservative Party’s innate ability to shoot itself through both feet with a howitzer.

Any attempt to argue that Boris Johnson won the execrable and flagrantly unfair leaders’ debate on ITV on Tuesday night was blown away by the story of how the Tory Party changed its Twitter account to factcheckUK, a risible and sinister attempt to masquerade as a journalistic exercise rather than a propaganda outlet. Those eejits Dominic Raab and James Cleverly tried vainly to defend the practice as ‘countering Labour lies’ and only made it appear an even worse deception - the words hole, stop and digging should have come to mind.

So here at the Jouker’s wee but n’ ben we decided to put the Tory claims to superior factual veracity to test by examining the words of Boris Johnson himself.“We don’t do deals with other parties” he told Andrew Marr. That will be the Tories who coalesced with the Lib Dems in 2010 and bribed the DUP in 2017.

READ MORE: The Jouker: unionist lies cant stop us – our rally was huge!

“We are getting on with a fantastic program … 20 hospital upgrades, 40 new hospitals” he has said several times. Funds for just six have been allocated. Even the Conservative Party was unable to back up the Blond Buffoon’s assertion.

The National: Boris Johnson

“20,000 more police are operating on our streets to fight crime and bring crime down.” he said in a speech in Oldham, live on Sky News. That’s just a lie - he says he plans to recruit 20,000 more officers but it’s over the next three years and will only replace the numbers cut down south under Tory rule.

Asked about his drinking on a visit to a hospital in Nottingham he said: “I’ve had to give up until we get Brexit done.” The previous day he sipped a whisky in a Scottish distillery and he’s since been pictured drinking beer - does the Blond Buffoon not know that denial of drinking is a sign of alcoholism?

We’re here for you Boris.

READ MORE: A theory about Boris Johnson's bizarre bus and bridge comments

We all remember fondly when he said he would “do or die” or be “dead in a ditch” if the UK was not out of the EU by October 31. There have been no sightings of Boris Johnson in a state of post-mortem decay, either in a ditch or elsewhere, which means he just told another lie.

Using that list of ten Scottish words published the other day, we can only say to the Conservatives: “We’re all scunnered with your bumfles of dreichness, so wheesht you bunch of glaikit fanklers.”