SINCE Ruth ditched the Scottish Tories earlier in the week, they now have the unenviable task of finding somebody who is both comfortable riding on the back of large animals AND in saying "No to a divisive independence referendum" ad infinitum.

Stand-in leader Jackson Carlaw will have to do for now. He was anxious to get through the session unscathed, given he’s got to be match-fit for the upcoming General Election which nobody knows the date of.

In the wake of his ill-advised comments about whether Nicola Sturgeon dyes her hair – in direct contravention of the national interest – Jackson Carlaw went into FMQs mindful of not saying anything that would poll badly with Scottish women.

To this end, shortly before proceedings began, he was handed a note by Annie Wells which read: "Do NOT ask FM if it’s her time of the month or if she is feeling a bit emotional. Avoid the word HYSTERICAL. Do NOT query women’s suffrage and/or right to own property."

READ MORE: Carlaw left red-faced over embarrassing SNP Brexit comment

After hastily scribbling out a pre-prepared quip about burning witches, Jackson Carlaw kicked off the first FMQs since recess by asking whether the First Minister wanted to get a Brexit deal with the European Union.

Carlaw was sceptical, you see. Scepticism must be a natural by-product of being led by Boris Johnson: a man who you wouldn’t trust with your house plants let alone a country.

In response, the first minister asked the question that Boris Johnson steadfastly refused to answer multiple times during his mauling at PMQs on Wednesday. Namely: WHAT deal? Where is it? What does it say? Do we not know her because she goes to a different school?

"It doesn’t sound like the first minister is very interested in an agreement" said Jackson Carlaw, with an air of sadness.

"I can’t say it any more simply so I’ll say it more slowly and more loudly" replied the First Minister, before going on to explain to Jackson Carlaw she couldn’t give an opinion on a "mythical deal" that existed only in Boris Johnson’s imagination.

It wouldn’t be FMQs if the Scottish Tories didn’t bang on about their obsession with indyref2 and Jackson Carlaw, keen to fill Ruth’s boots, relished the opportunity.

"She’s never seen a referendum result she didn’t want to overturn!" To this, Nicola Sturgeon reminded Jackson Carlaw that 62% of Scotland voted to Remain in the European Union. A fact that Scottish Tories might not need reminded of quite so often if they held a constituency surgery every now and then.

Carlaw was not deterred and he launched into full "oh-shit-we’re-languishing-in-the-polls" mode by giving a rousing, if slightly delusional, run down of what the Tories have to offer the people of Scotland.

"If you want to vote for more years of division, vote for Nicola Sturgeon! If you want to get back to the stuff that matters, VOTE CONSERVATIVE!" Wee soul. Maybe he didn’t realise that as he was making his "strong and stable" pitch the UK was teetering on the edge of food and medicine shortages. Or that his Prime Minister was to be found holed up in number ten, chucking darts at his "Big List of Tory Enemies" and discussing with Dominic Cummings whether they should send the army into the House of Commons.

The First Minister got straight to the point.

"Ruth Davidson can’t stomach the direction Boris Johnson is taking the UK in. Boris Johnson’s own brother can’t stomach it. The question is, why should the people of Scotland be expected to put up with it?" As he sat back down, Jackson Carlaw noticed a new note on his desk. In oh-so-familiar handwriting a simple message was scrawled: "Must do better."