Welcome to our new think tank – set up to preserve the status quo

Subject: The Establishment of a new think tank for policy engagement

Status: Confidential

THE United Kingdom is in the midst of a period of unprecedented political and civic turmoil. The challenges of a no-deal Brexit and continuing constitutional turbulence in Scotland will present profound challenges to the established order of governance in the UK. It’s doubtful that any of this will adversely affect the status and hegemony of our patrons and stakeholders.

The elongated Brexit process has provided ample opportunity to make judicious use of overseas investment opportunities. Thus, when the balloon goes up and the lights go out they ought to be protected from any unforeseen economic turbulence.

Nevertheless, there are others who will seek to take advantage of the chaos to sow division and wreak havoc on our settled way of doing things. Not to put too fine a point on it, they will use it as an opportunity to make trouble and bring about change, but not the sort of change that all right-minded and properly qualified people really want to see.

In order to shore up our interests and maintain continuity and steadfastness in the face of the predictable clamour for change, we propose the establishment of a think tank. To all intents and purposes this will be independent and our sympathisers and placemen in Her Majesty’s mainstream press will be encouraged to stress this point. In the real world that people such as us inhabit, though, there is no room for concepts as unpredictable and risky as “independent” thought. It’s simply what works and what doesn’t. And obviously what works is what keeps power, influence and money within the purview of people such as us.

The John Milton Keynes Institute for International Policy Studies and Political Engagement will be established in association with the Russell Group of Universities and the Independent Schools Association.

The purpose of this course is to introduce some honesty into our body politic and to abjure any pretence that we’re all in this together. We will take as our motto the words of the modern US poet and philosopher DL Roth in his celebrated essay, Jump: Cum pugnis et volvunt ad id quod est verum (They are strongest who roll with the punches and get to what’s real).

Other think tanks cloak their activities in honeyed prose about seeking to influence debate and political engagement for the greater good. They espouse this airy sophistry in the same manner as the Sandford Neighbourhood Watch Alliance in Hot Fuzz.

We make no such pretensions. Power for power’s sake is our motto: Propter fortitudinem virtutis. Obviously it would be better if you can display empathy with your fellow human beings and want to improve their lives but this isn’t a necessary requirement.

The institute will promote an authentic, belt-and-braces vision for representative politics. We aren’t really interested in inspiring future generations and we’re not that interested in the environment or promoting good manners and respectful engagement. Representative politics is a mirage created to delude people into thinking that voting makes a difference. At the John Milton Keynes Institute we make no apologies for constructing a model that helps you get in about these people and eventually to become one of them. Where there is peace we want to sow discord; where there is hope, doubt and where there is rock let there be rock.

Politics is absolutely brilliant. If you become good at it you will never have to worry about not working again and you’ll be able to retire fairly early with a triple-lock protected pension pot that’s been simmering away and bubbling up in the Cayman Islands while you work. And when it’s all over and you haven’t rocked the boat too much you can have your pick of sinecures and non-execs with our partners in the finance and management consultants industries. To this end, we are delighted that Lord Darling has agreed to deliver a series of lectures on this subject.

We are absolutely passionate about effecting change, but only on our terms. To paraphrase very loosely the great political philosopher and adviser to the George W Bush administration, Donald Rumsfeld: “what’s the point of change unless it benefits the right people?”

We need to act now if we want to stop the best brains in the country wasting their lives opposing war and striving for peace and goodwill. How many arms and construction projects can you sell if everyone is striving for peace and goodwill? We have designed this course to accommodate avaricious whims and lust for power. Only power and money beget jobs; therefore we need to ensure that power and money still hold sway throughout the uncertainties of the post-Brexit era.

It is critical to the social and economic wellbeing of those at the top of our United Kingdom that they are the most malleable and willing to further our aims.

We must encourage those who have the interest and passion but not the talent to enter politics. We understand that many simply can’t be arsed going to political meetings and meeting fabled normal people and going through the pretence of being interested in them and making promises they’ll never keep.

Certainly we will occasionally accept excellence in our politicians and extol the usual stuff about being role models for public service. The absence of any discernible iota of excellence or good character needn’t be a deal-breaker: just look at Donald Trump and Boris Johnson.

We will also strive to ensure that any tendencies towards independence of thought will be removed over the course duration. What matters is that by the end, students will have surrendered all of their instincts and behaviours – their entire beings actually – to the advance of the free market. Our hand-picked tutors will be under the tutelage of Mr Steve Bannon.

Mr Bannon has agreed to occupy the Richelieu Chair of Post-Renaissance Studies as a visiting professor. Thus, our tutors will be trained to identify any signs of reason and fairness and to act with condign strength of purpose to root it out at source.

Of course we want to foster respect for our elected representatives through advocacy and debate but if we’re being honest (and honesty’s what we’re all about) much of that is for the birds. But we can manipulate social media in such a way that any left-leaning scrotes deploying dodgy language will be dealt with by our allies in the big tech companies.

Selection must be made mainly on the basis of merit but obviously preference must be given to politicians who have been de-selected, or whose constituencies have voted them out. Obviously the Holyrood list system permits a fair number of otherwise unemployable types – failed charity workers, education officials – a second chance. But when this fails the John Milton Keynes Institute can step in to keep the CV alive.