IN life sometimes it’s only when we are faced with a crisis that we find out what we are all made of. I know there are lots of little Facebook sayings floating around out there all basically telling us to give ourselves a right good shake when the going gets tough. These gentle little apercus can really make a difference: “As you journey through life don’t always look for the cloud with the silver lining as it will still end up pissing all over you just as much as the dark ones do.”

It’s the same with Brexit. Sometimes we just need to accept life will be tough and get on with it. Food shortages, a run on vital medicines, fuel delays and the possibility of power cuts would make an ordinary chiel think we’re all soon about to be living a medieval existence. As Bon Scott, the bard of Kirriemuir, once sang with his band AC/DC:

Disillusions and confusion
Make me want to cry
All the same, you lead your games
Tellin’ me your lies
Hell Ain’t a Bad Place to Be.

Thank goodness that the national food bank project is now well-established as an integral part of British and Scottish life. Some footless lefties and tiresome old liberals would have us all believe that food banks are all a jolly bad thing and the usual indictment of a society that has loosened its moral moorings and become impervious to the privations of our fellow man and woman. I think not.

Most of the critics of food banks would need a satnav to locate their local one. For years they have castigated these establishments as wretched and depressing when they are actually life-affirming and pulsing with community spirit.

In fact the people who use these facilities are really the lucky ones as they encounter the kindness of strangers and the unexpected joy of discovering ways of making a tin of baked beans and a packet of Uncle Ben’s rice last an entire week. Many find that they grow closer to other people and emerge all the stronger for the experience. Relationships have been known to start, (although here I would urge caution and the involvement of a chaperone if there is one available).

That’s why I think it should behove us all to come together in our communities and to establish local food banks. In this way any food shortages happening as a result of a no-deal Brexit can be overcome. For instance, you might find you have an over-preponderance of foie gras in your fridge but could be doing with some avocados and some kobe steaks.

What better than to pop down to your local food bank and do some swapsies?

Food shortages can lead to a better Britain and a much happier one too.

ANYONE FOR KERPLUNK?

The National:

I WAS slightly troubled to hear reports that some regiments of the British Army may have been put on a no-deal Brexit standby. Thus they will be able to swing in to action at a moment’s notice to help get vital supplies to those who need them in the event that a no-deal Brexit causes a few initial ripples.

Of course I’m gratified that our boys will all be there to help us out in our time of need. However, the British state is not exactly forthcoming and open when revealing plans to voters of any arrangements it may have put in place for our security and all-round peace of mind. Each year this country puts so many secrets under lock and key that Westminster should be conducting its business with dodgy handshakes while wearing aprons and trousers at half-mast.

So you begin to wonder what else the government has planned if it’s already been forced to admit to the possibility of army deployment and stockpiling food and medicines. It’s only a matter of time before the Daily Express and The Daily Telegraph float the idea of a dusk-till-dawn curfew … just until things begin to settle down again.

This too will be a jolly good thing and revive the spirt of the Blitz. Families will rediscover the joys of making their own entertainment (because there will also be a blackout and power outage). Pianos will be dusted down and Auntie Mabel will be prevailed upon to give us a wee tinkle on the old ivories. Old games like KerPlunk and Buckaroo will be dusted down. Why, Prince Harry and Meghan will tour housing estates and disused motorway embankments to speak to the punters and, if we’re lucky, give us a wee royal baby just to keep our collective spirits up. Britain will become great again and find its inner strength and conviction.

GET READY FOR AN UNEXPECTED BONUS

The National:

NOT that I want to alarm anyone but I’ve noticed a surfeit of those nihilistic films offering us a bleak and stygian vision of the future such as all the Zombie Apocalypse films and the Purge series. Is this a coincidence that they’re all coming out at this time and that Channel Four is doing an entire season devoted to the undead.

I’m not a paranoid chap but some might think that the process of softening us up to expect the worst when we exit the EU without a deal is already under way. The Purge imagines a dystopic future where – for one 12-hour period a year – all crime including murder is permissible. It’s a sort of national catharsis that gets the bad stuff out of our collective system. I’m surprised no Tory Home Secretary has ever previously proposed something similar in the UK to keep us all on our toes and ensure the survival of the fittest.

This is what we know could happen in a no-deal Brexit:

1. Fresh food supplies dry up as the food chain grinds to a halt.

2. There is gridlock on our motorways as they become choked with lorries.

3. Lack of vital medicines for very ill loved ones forces normally law-abiding young relatives to take the law into their own hands and roam the streets at night.

4. A curfew is put in place.

5. The forces of the extreme right whip up fear and hatred of European nationals.

6. Riots take place in all those northern English towns who voted for Brexit as the redundancy notices begin to pop through their letterboxes.

It all adds up to another unexpected Brexit bonus: the UK film industry will thrive on futuristic dystopian nightmare themes.