IF you’re reading this, you’ve been brave enough to pop your head out from underneath the duvet. Whatever you do, just don’t turn on the TV, not unless you want to have your brains sucked out and replaced by royal wedding candy floss. The Kay Burleys and the Nicholas Witchells have been unleashed. You have been warned.

Watching British telly today means being beaten up with a rolled up copy of Monarchy magazine, and then being drowned in a vat of red, white and blue treacle by some vacuously smiling people who keep telling you how lovely it all is. It’s like that Japanese horror video, the one where if you watch it you’re guaranteed to die in a screaming fit of insanity, only this time with bunting and plummy accented interviewees talking about the etiquette of Meghan’s dad not attending. It’s fair enough that Meghan’s dad isn’t going. A lot of people think Harry’s isn’t going either.

There are few things more quintessentially British than political and media commentators gushing sychophanticly about the royals while surrounded by Union flegs. Then they will pop up some time later during a Scottish independence referendum to tell us how much they despise nationalism.

As we all know, British nationalism is distinguished from the nationalisms of lesser breeds, like that of hairy legged Caledonians, by virtue of not being nationalist at all. In the press and on the telly today, it’s wall-to-wall non-nationalism. The sea of Saltires at the recent march and rally for independence in Glasgow? An off-putting and narrow-minded display of parochial nationalism. The sea of Union flegs during the royal wedding? A joyful expression of patriotism and happiness for the royal couple which envelops us all in a cosy bath of inclusivity. Got that? Good, now you can write a comment piece for the British nationalist press in Scotland.

In Scotland, the overwhelming reaction to the royal wedding is indifference. For the majority of Scots, the sole reaction to the news that Harry was going to marry was “whatevs” and a shoulder shrug, followed immediately by “Does that mean we get a day off work?” However, since it quickly transpired that the wedding was going to be on a Saturday, any vestigial interest quickly drained away. The only enjoyable thing for most of us has been laughing at the reactions of the deeply conflicted royalist racists in the Mail’s comment section. All of a sudden they have to pretend to be happy about an unemployed immigrant coming into the country and sponging off the state.

For the majority of people in Scotland, they have at best the same amount of interest in the royal wedding as they would have in a wedding on a reality TV show – although, to be honest, there is less interest for most as the only real difference between those two things is that we can’t vote anyone out of the Buckingham Palace Big Brother House. While Big Brother is every bit as pointless and irritating as the royal family, at least it doesn’t cost us anything and you can actually avoid it fairly easily. You can’t say the same for the royal soap opera.

Scotland is once again proving that it’s the least royalist part of this so-called United Kingdom. The BBC had planned to install massive outdoor video screens in public places so that interested and enthused loyal subjects could enjoy the proceedings – the royal wedding and not Big Brother that is – as they held street parties. However, the BBC cancelled its plans for outdoor screens in Scotland, as it seemed like an awful lot of bother to go to just for Murdo Fraser. They just bought him a life-sized cardboard cutout of the happy couple instead.

He still hasn’t noticed the difference, but then most Tory MSPs are cardboard cutouts so that’s understandable. Just install one with a recording saying “Scotland doesn’t want another referendum” and they’re indistinguishable from the real thing.

It has been noticed among certain sections of the British media that Scotland is the only part of the UK where there are next to no street parties to celebrate the event, apart from one on an RAF base in Morayshire, and that probably doesn’t count. But it’s not true that Scotland never has royal-themed street parties.

We have royalist street parties every summer in Scotland, usually accompanied by copious amounts of tonic wine, songs about killing Catholics, and attacks on people who dare to try to cross the street while the event is going on. There’s that joyful inclusivity of non-nationalist British nationalism for you.

There are a lot of people in the rest of the UK who have zero interest in the royal wedding, it’s not just Scotland, but on the whole the different reactions between Scotland and the rest of the UK whenever there is a royal event shows that Scotland really is a different country. A country that is increasingly drifting away from the rest of Britain.